I like to consider myself a nice person. You know...I'm friendly, I say 'Hello' to people as I pass them, I wave to my neighbors and I hold doors open for people. I have the type of personality that wants others to like me and I don't want to have any enemies. And, to be honest, I don't think I really have any enemies. I'm about as non-confrontational as you can get and even when I strongly disagree with something someone says in a public situation, I'll usually just smile and brush it off without saying something in return.
But, if something pushes me over the edge for some reason...well, I'll probably hold a grudge.
Enter Squarepants. My husband and I nickname our neighbors...we can't help it. It started innocently enough with Papoose and Papoose's wife. They moved in behind us a few years ago and we always saw the guy with his smallest child strapped to the front of him. Thus, the nickname and it kind of grew from there. There's also Fat Jesus, the Crazy Lady, and some others. All are just in fun, no harm, we don't really know what their names are.
We don't generally interact with our neighbors beyond saying hello. Sure, we'll help out with something when asked and will engage in very generic chit-chat but we pretty much keep to ourselves...as do most of our neighbors.
Most everyone in the neighorhood refers to me as the girl with the dogs. I'll randomly see some of our neighbors in the grocery store and they'll always ask if I've walked the dogs and/or run yet (it's happened 4 different times in the past few months).
We're friendly with everyone...except Squarepants.
It happened last summer. I was living up to my reputation as the girl with the dogs and was out for an afternoon walk with them. As as I was strolling past Squarepants' house, they had just planted an insane amount of trees on their property and the lady was out inspecting their days' work. As I passed, in my friendly way, I commented on 'that being a lot of work and it looks really nice'.
The lady just stared at me.
OK, whatever, I just kept walking.
Then, she says "Can I ask you a question?"
I stop and say "Sure" and it went downhill from there:
Squarepants: "Why are you always staring at us out your window"
Me (confused with puzzling look): "What are you talking about?"
Squarepants: "Every morning you are always watching us"
Me, concluding she obviously has me confused with someone else: "I live in the house over there" (pointing). (We don't live near them, there is our house, our backyard, our neighbors behind us, the next road over and then there's their house and it's about 3-4 houses down the street).
Squarepants: "Yes, I know. Everyone morning, you are looking out your window"
Me: "I have no idea what you are talking about, I'm not looking at you out the window".
Squarepants: "We drive by and you are always watching us"
Me: "What? I'm not looking at you. When is this?"
Squarepants: "Really early in the morning, you're always staring out your kitchen window"
Me: "I have no idea what you are talking about. I'm up early in the mornings but I'm not looking at you". At this point, I just start to walk away but for some reason, I was furious by how she was talking to me.
Squarepants: "Well, there's an awful lot of nosey people in this neighborhood".
I walked off angered that she got the last word. I got back to the house and relived the situation for my husband. By this point, I did figure out what she was talking about. I'm up really early. First thing I do is feed the dogs and then let them outside. It's dark - regardless of the time of year. Sometimes I couldn't see them when they wanted to come back in so yes, I was probably looking out trying to see if they were standing there. But, read that again...it's dark out, I can't see anything. How in the hell am I going to be looking at a car driving on the road 2 backyards over (through our boundary line of trees no less) and actually see or watch anything (not I would want to anyway)?
In conclusion, this woman is obviously staring at me every morning. I was quite paranoid about this for a long time. I never wanted her to think I was looking at them and was sneaking around my own house to make sure I wasn't going to be mistakenly accused of watching someone.
Side note here: I should have already known she was nuts. About a year before this, she was out walking one day and I had the dogs again. They have beagles but they are hunting dogs...outside (which I hate seeing). She stopped me to ask about Kasey, our beagle. She mentioned something about getting together with hers and I'm like...um...no, she's spayed, I don't breed my dog. Then, she asked me what I fed her? Um...dog food? Why the hell would you ask someone that?
I've never talked to this women since the 'watching' incident but she's a walker. And, guess what? Since I switched to running in the mornings, it's when she is walking. And, if I'm out at early and it's dark...I have to pass Squarepants sometime.
One day this week, I was out and it was still pitch black out. I'm heading up to an intersection and see her at the last minute. Yes, I almost ran into her, literally. I make a big sweeping half circle and was going to go the other way but it wouldn't be my normal route. At the last second, I said screw it and circled back and then passed her. I wasn't going to let Squarepants make me change my routine again.
I'm not going to change my routine but I so wish I didn't have to pass her. Of course, if she says something to me in the morning, I do have my pepper spray attached to me...she better watch out.
Wow. Watch out for Squarepants!
ReplyDeleteWow, she seems super weird. I keep trying to picture the neighborhood set up and I can't understand how you could stare at her if you even wanted to. I would want to go back to her and explain that I wasn't staring at her and that I was letting my dogs out and waiting for them to be done. It's like I wouldn't feel better unless she knew what was going on. But yes, apparently she is staring at you if she sees you every morning. Tomorrow you should flip her off or flash her or hold up a sign that says stop staring at me. :)
ReplyDeleteHi - I am LAUGHING OUT LOUD at work about that last line! Heck yes she better watch out. What a weirdo.
ReplyDeleteThis morning I was walking with my neighbour to go running around 6 am. We were walking up this little trail behind our houses to get to the road and some old lady goes "some people are sleeping" out her window.
Umm good for you lady but it's public area and all we're doing is TALKING. Get over yourself. Shut your window if you can't sleep.
I just can't stand some people.
Weird and maybe creepy. But hilarious to read. Love Rae's comment!
ReplyDeleteUgh. What a pain. I'm like you - non-confrontational and want everyone to like me.
ReplyDeleteWe have a next door neighbor that hated us before we even moved in. Our neighborhood used to be an open field where he rode his 4 wheeler. Our house sits behind his junky back yard. He told our contractor to tell us "Not to touch is ghetto-a$$ fence" before we moved into our house. Okay, I added the "ghetto-a$$" part.
Anyway, the first night we were in our house, we heard loud chopping noises. It was 11:30 p.m. My husband goes out on our front patio (we can see his back yard from both our front patio and our back porch) and sees he's out there chopping effing wood. At 11:30 at night! WTF! The first summer, we were talking to our neighbors across the street and they said they freaked out because they saw him digging in his back yard at like midnight (they can see in his back yard out of their upstairs front windows). Turns out he was clearing a space for an above-ground pool. Still. Creepy.
He often yells at his daughter (12 or 13, I'd guess) to do a better job at weed-eating, mowing, god knows what else, etc. Once they had a chicken coop in their back yard. I think they ate the chickens.
Sometimes I see him on his motorcycle, which he likes to rev at all hours of the night. He's overweight and always scowling.
Then, last fall, I was letting the dogs out in the back yard and I had to go out there and shoo them off the deck so they'd go potty. While out there I noticed beyond his clothesline and enormous wood pile that his chimney was glowing orange and shooting sparks. Since he burns his fireplace nearly 365 days a year (not exaggerating - we had to get A/C b/c we couldn't open our windows to let fresh air in with all the smoke), I was concerned. I told my husband, who went out there and saw Smokey Joe (which is what we call him - kinda funny since we learned later that his real name is, in fact, Joe) with a garden hose pointed at his roof. I called 911, the fire dept came and they put out his chimney fire.
It's the total "Burbs" out here. Movie line coming... "Who beats their garbage with a stick? Who does that?"
Weird!! I would just ignore her, she sounds crazy. And no, don't change your routes for her!!
ReplyDeleteOMG this story actually made me laugh!! people are so funny...I can't believe this woman actually thought you were staring at her! how paranoid!!! just realize she is a weirdo and you're doing nothing wrong.
ReplyDeleteOh man! That's too funny! We have the opposite problem, our neighbor always wants to chat with, kiss and hug us. On more than one occasion, I've hid behind my car to avoid her!
ReplyDeleteMakes me glad I live in the boonies. No weirdo neighbors to stalk me. Though I like the idea of nicknames. Maybe I'll give nicknames to the cows I run past.
ReplyDeleteI hope Squarepants gets a life and leaves you be.
I would have started staring out my window at her just to mess with her head.
ReplyDeleteCan't believe you're a stalker. Oh sure, you write it up like no big deal but now you're running in the morning, coincidentally when she walks? :)
ReplyDeletePut an inflatable dummy in your window and attach glowy eyes to it. Yep, there is "something" staring at this uber paranoid nutcase! Funny story!
ReplyDeleteI'm with Kovas BTW. Abbi, I'm shocked that you look at people, call them names without asking theirs and that you had your dog mutilated!
ReplyDeleteOr you could just do what Rae suggested and flip 'em the bird. At least you don't have Kerrie's problem with them.
Every neighborhood has its crazy person. You just happen to have an extremely crazy one!! Wow, Abbi. Do your thing and ignore her.
ReplyDeletesome ppl are just creepy.
ReplyDeleteWow that sounds nuts. My neighbor just offers to loan me stuff all the time (he is really inferring I should do something like clean my gutters by offering me to borrow his ladder.)
ReplyDeleteThis is the creepiest story ever! I think you should run when she is walking then as you pass her be sure to give her a good long stare.
ReplyDeleteSquarepants is nuts! But you're right to not letting her mess up your running route.
ReplyDeleteWe have nicknames for our neighbours too :)
What I really want to know is how she got the name sqaurepants!
ReplyDeleteWe just had a neighbor confrontation. Our newest neighbor is a repulsive slob - filth, food, beer cans, furniture, etc all over his porch. Recently he moved a couch and a BEDSIDE TOILET onto the porch, too. Then we came home and he had a bowl of chili on his porch, and chili was splashed all over our porch and railing! My hubby went out with a mop and knocked on his door and asked if he'd help clean up. To our surprise he was very polite and apologetic and said he might have had a tad too much to drink last night! Ah, college kids....I'm glad he wasn't a jerk about it, though.
Oh gees...we really can't pick our neighbors, can we? She's scary...maybe you need to even find a new, scary name for her?!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it.
haha! squarepants sounds like a hoot! I would probably do something intentionally to see if she would say something lol... and if she did, i would just deny ever doing it lol ;) is that twisted?
ReplyDeletewhat a wacko! yikes.
ReplyDeleteMy neighbor next door speaks to no one on our street, but she loves to call the cops. One time she said people were listening to her conversations through a baby monitor...we were the only ones with a baby so it was obviously us. I guess there always has to be one crazy on the street.
Oh wow. What a weirdo. I think the nickname squarepants is too kind. I woudl call her the devil. I mean, you've already got fat Jesus, maybe you should have the devil, too. what a psycho!!!
ReplyDeleteI think it's hilarious that you have "names" for your neighbors...ha ha!
ReplyDeleteThat must have been such a strange conversation to have with her..wow! But, I agree with your last point, you shouldn't change your route just b/c she's there too!
Mega creepy! Wow, you do live in an interesting neighbourhood. Sounds like you can write a very good short story!
ReplyDeleteLOL. We nickname our neighbors too! Haha. Well except for the one family we actually know their name haha. As I read I figured you were looking out the window/gazing but not intently staring at her. Why couldn't she assume this too? What a weirdo. Just keep ignoring other than your polite "hi" in passing?
ReplyDeleteThe passive aggressive thing to do would be to now smother her with kindness and love the fact that you secretly make fun of them with your husband. :)
ReplyDeleteYikes! It sounds like this woman might be a little mentally unstable. It's probably best to keep your distance.
ReplyDeleteThat is SOOOO bizarre!!! I would have done the same thing you did and stormed off.....but I couldn't help but wonder what the hell she was doing watching me too!? Strange.
ReplyDeleteOMG! What a nutbag! Next time you see her approaching just stop. Then stare at her as she passes you and whisper, "I'm watching you."
ReplyDeleteWe had a crazy downstairs neighbor in our last apartment. He actually took us to the HOA to complain about all the "noise" we made. We had to sit there and listen to him present his "evidence and documentation." He had counted and recorded the number of times we quote (seriously, this is an exact quote)- walked to the bathroom - over the course of a month.
What a nutbar. I would feel the need to stare at her every chance I got.
ReplyDeleteI would seriously recommend going out and buying a Chucky mask. Scare the $hit out of her when she stares at you the next time... What a total wingnut. Our one neighbor is an ex marine, nicest person you can imagine. The other one (single lady) is a bit of a mental case too. We avoid her like the plague as she goes off on a tangent every time. We've got nicknames for some of the town house board members, such as 'they mayor', and it is spreading...
ReplyDeleteThat is actually pretty hilarious (and disturbing all at the same time.) What a crazy lady!
ReplyDelete